A Month of Thinking....

As I come up to four weeks since surgery, it’s crazy to me how much reflection I have done through this. When I prepared myself for surgery, I didn’t necessarily prepare for the emotional side of it. I knew that the physical was going to be hard. I knew that my independence that I have strived for most of my life was going to be limited. I knew that I was going to have to depend on others and ask for help where I wouldn’t necessarily do that before. I knew that I would push my body faster than it needs to heal. But I have tried to stop, take smaller steps, and let my body do its thing. The emotional side of surgery isn’t something you read about in books. I imagine it probably is much different for each person that goes through it. What I experienced at the beginning was all the love. You don’t really know how much of an impact you make in life until people are given the opportunity to talk about it. Unfortunately we really see how much someone has affected our life after they have passed away and we sit back to reflect on it. But when life throws something at us that allow us to express how we feel towards said person, we have the chance to show the love. When surgery first happened I was overcome with the love and concern of all these people in my life. Some I haven’t spoken with in years, others I speak with on a daily basis and it’s a different kind of love. The first week was filled with this new set of challenges in front of me.  I had to learn how to live on one leg. The emotional didn’t really kick in for me until after that first week after all the dust had settled. After that I was shown a few different types of people in my life. If I had to categorize it:

The concerned because others will see how compassionate they are: These people ask about how I am and how I’m doing, but they don’t genuinely care. It’s a story they can share later so their friends can see they have a friend going through a difficult time.

The you aren’t as important as me: These people are consumed in their own world and have something going on that’s ALWAYS bigger than yours. Whenever we talk, it jumps into a conversation about them, with no regard for me.

The panicked: These people only see the negative sides of it and always fear the absolute worse which causes them to be anxious every time we speak.

The Family (concerned from afar): These people are my family which is spread out throughout three countries. They are always there and will do whatever I need if they can.

The genuine caring: These people take action, figure out where they can help out and follow accordingly. At the same time want to know how I am. They want to know about every detail and are along for every step of the journey.

I wasn’t prepared for all of this. I thought most would be in the genuine caring or family category. But when given a difficult situation, their true actions come out. I also wasn’t prepared for the emotions attached when you realize where you actually fall in someone’s life. This has probably been the biggest struggle for me this past month. Let’s face it, when you only have one leg to stand on, you sit A LOT! Sitting allows thinking, thinking allows reflecting, reflecting allows evaluating, and evaluating allows revising.

So now I have a sense of all these people in my life and how it makes me feel. What do I do with it? Do I ignore it and say everyone can’t be genuine? So I accept it. Do I change my expectations? Because I can’t change how people act.

I think the answer is trust in what you know. Trust that the people who are there will ALWAYS be there. Trust your gut. Trust that you can tell when you should step back.

Revising your life, you have an opportunity to see how everyone falls into where their supposed to be and what no longer needs to be there. The bad falls to the bottom as you recognize it, you step on it. You no longer let it control you. It allows you to become stronger and wiser. The good goes on top of the bad and it proves that you are worth it.  The great is always above me, I will always strive for greatness. I don’t know if I will ever achieve it, but it’s always in front of me.

So as I reflect back on this last month, I thank you for being there. All of you have been an important part of my journey. My journey is long from done, but at least I have a sense of where everything should fall.