From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached. -Frances Kafka

Here we are four weeks post surgery. Seven months since this thing began. I have found myself creating tons of lists: things I haven’t been able to do, things that have changed, things I miss doing. I never really was a list kind of girl before, but like other things I have changed.

Things I haven’t been able to do:

• I haven’t been able to walk without crutches since April 9^th.
• I haven’t been able to aimlessly walk to do anything since January. Every step is calculated and for a purpose.
• I haven’t been able to take Neiko for a walk longer than 100 feet.

Things that have changed:

• I now have a better appreciation for my mom. If not for her, I wouldn’t have been able to get through this.
• I see who is willing to stand by me through hard times verse those who stand by me as long as I help them. Once I stop helping them, they no longer have any reason to stay.
• I now have better posture then I have had most of my life.
• Today I’m stronger than I have been any day since January 9^th.

Things that I miss doing:

• YOGA! If anything I can’t wait to get back to this.
• Jumping in my car and driving anywhere at the spur of the moment.
• Being able to run around with Neiko and Lila.

Where does this leave me? With a new understanding and clarity of some grey areas. There’s sadness because things have changed. But since this last surgery, every day I have gotten a little bit stronger and more steady.

So onward and upward is the only way to go….

 

Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it. -Tori Amos

As I sit here four days after surgery. I'm quite surprised at how different this recovery is from the first...

The pain isn't the same, the walking isn't the same, the support isn't the same.

The pain, well they gave me a nerve block before surgery to help with the pain management. After surgery I was much less agitated then last time. I was still in a great deal of pain. They tried morphine in the hospital and that brought nausea in waves. I couldn't keep anything down. Once we stopped the morphine the nausea went away. It wasn't until yesterday that I finally got ahead of the pain. Since that has happened, the pain was gone way down averaging about 2-3 on the pain scale.

The walking, well my right leg isn't nearly as strong as my left one was before the first surgery. The way they wrapped my leg this time has made it VERY hard to hop/scoot/walk in any sort of fashion. So I haven't been moving much which is probably why the pain is much less now. Wednesday at my post op appointment they will take off this wrap and then that should allow me to move better. If not it's going to be a LONG six weeks.

The support, well I went through all sorts of waves in this regard the first time. There were many more highs last time. I just seem to be stuck at the bottom this time. I don't really know how to change that.

Well that's all for now...4 days into recovery

It's always the small pieces that make the big picture....

If I can look at my life as an object, I would describe it as a puzzle. Not necessarily a flat edged, bordered puzzle though, more like an ever changing 3-D shape.

When you are born, your base or foundation is created. It’s the start of stability in your life. As you get older, you start to build pieces to your puzzle. When it comes to the lessons that are learned some are permanent pieces that are life lessons that add to your base, others are temporary that fit in your puzzle for a short period and then your puzzle takes a different shape and the piece no longer fits. I have found myself trying to force the piece into place. It’s hard to let it go and even harder to accept the loss.

The people in my life make up different parts. You have the ones that help build your foundation and sometimes they don’t stick around or they disappoint you. If left that way; your foundation begins to crumble. It might happen a little bit at a time so you don’t realize it until one event happens and it takes a bit hit. Then you have a choice to rebuild or learn to live broken. As you grow up, relationships and people come and go. Some people leave a last impression which adds to your foundations and others make a brief appearance. Sometimes you meet someone who shakes everything up in your life. They test you and teach you a trust that you haven’t EVER experienced. They give you a glimpse at something new, something better, something amazing. It’s almost as if they can see right through me to the deepest part of my soul. They have cemented themselves so deep into my foundation, that I don’t know my puzzle without them.

The talents I’ve developed are just pieces that help expand my mind and allow me to see things in a different light.

The things and objects a person has throughout their life are just temporary.

I didn’t realize until I started writing this, the people in my life effect almost everything. Whether it’s good or bad. Whether they hurt me, left me or finally showed up. The lessons, the talents, the “things,” I have in my life pale in comparison.  

So thank you for being a part of my puzzle.  

A setback is never a bad experience, just another one of life's lessons

So overall everything has gone according to plan and accordingly to schedule. As of last week, I only had one stitch left in there and the doctor wasn't too concerned about it. On Saturday, the stitch came out and it was infected. We cleaned it out and took care as best we could. The doctor today gave me a script for a high dose of an antibiotic. She doesn't seem too concerned. She thinks that we caught it early enough that there shouldn't be any problems.

In the back of my head, my father and all his problems that he has faced with infections lingers. So if I think about it more, I can start to freak myself out. But I have a pretty good support system around me that pulls me back down to reality. 

Then there's this face...how can you not smile when you wake up to this?

 



A Month of Thinking....

As I come up to four weeks since surgery, it’s crazy to me how much reflection I have done through this. When I prepared myself for surgery, I didn’t necessarily prepare for the emotional side of it. I knew that the physical was going to be hard. I knew that my independence that I have strived for most of my life was going to be limited. I knew that I was going to have to depend on others and ask for help where I wouldn’t necessarily do that before. I knew that I would push my body faster than it needs to heal. But I have tried to stop, take smaller steps, and let my body do its thing. The emotional side of surgery isn’t something you read about in books. I imagine it probably is much different for each person that goes through it. What I experienced at the beginning was all the love. You don’t really know how much of an impact you make in life until people are given the opportunity to talk about it. Unfortunately we really see how much someone has affected our life after they have passed away and we sit back to reflect on it. But when life throws something at us that allow us to express how we feel towards said person, we have the chance to show the love. When surgery first happened I was overcome with the love and concern of all these people in my life. Some I haven’t spoken with in years, others I speak with on a daily basis and it’s a different kind of love. The first week was filled with this new set of challenges in front of me.  I had to learn how to live on one leg. The emotional didn’t really kick in for me until after that first week after all the dust had settled. After that I was shown a few different types of people in my life. If I had to categorize it:

The concerned because others will see how compassionate they are: These people ask about how I am and how I’m doing, but they don’t genuinely care. It’s a story they can share later so their friends can see they have a friend going through a difficult time.

The you aren’t as important as me: These people are consumed in their own world and have something going on that’s ALWAYS bigger than yours. Whenever we talk, it jumps into a conversation about them, with no regard for me.

The panicked: These people only see the negative sides of it and always fear the absolute worse which causes them to be anxious every time we speak.

The Family (concerned from afar): These people are my family which is spread out throughout three countries. They are always there and will do whatever I need if they can.

The genuine caring: These people take action, figure out where they can help out and follow accordingly. At the same time want to know how I am. They want to know about every detail and are along for every step of the journey.

I wasn’t prepared for all of this. I thought most would be in the genuine caring or family category. But when given a difficult situation, their true actions come out. I also wasn’t prepared for the emotions attached when you realize where you actually fall in someone’s life. This has probably been the biggest struggle for me this past month. Let’s face it, when you only have one leg to stand on, you sit A LOT! Sitting allows thinking, thinking allows reflecting, reflecting allows evaluating, and evaluating allows revising.

So now I have a sense of all these people in my life and how it makes me feel. What do I do with it? Do I ignore it and say everyone can’t be genuine? So I accept it. Do I change my expectations? Because I can’t change how people act.

I think the answer is trust in what you know. Trust that the people who are there will ALWAYS be there. Trust your gut. Trust that you can tell when you should step back.

Revising your life, you have an opportunity to see how everyone falls into where their supposed to be and what no longer needs to be there. The bad falls to the bottom as you recognize it, you step on it. You no longer let it control you. It allows you to become stronger and wiser. The good goes on top of the bad and it proves that you are worth it.  The great is always above me, I will always strive for greatness. I don’t know if I will ever achieve it, but it’s always in front of me.

So as I reflect back on this last month, I thank you for being there. All of you have been an important part of my journey. My journey is long from done, but at least I have a sense of where everything should fall.

The new year begins in a snow-storm of white vows. ~George William Curtis

Every year between Christmas and New Years I always reflect back on what the past year has brought to my life. This year was quite intense to say the least. I have lost, have won, been cheated, been rewarded, had its ups, had its downs, births, deaths, renewed friendships, broken friendships, new relationships, old relationships. A little bit of everything this past year. I also have found a renewed self. A part of me that was lost quite some time ago and just in the last few months has come back to it. I was not certain if my renewed self was only for me or was it affecting the people in my life. But just two days ago, I was sitting in the lunchroom at work and there was an issue of how much change I should receive back and I said oh whatever, I don’t really know I’ll just take whatever. Then Caitlyn looked at me and said wows, Tiff are you always this laid back? I said huh? She said if that were me I would freak out if I didn’t get it and you were just like whatever. And this to be shows me that I have allowed myself to let the little things go. There are no worth the hassle or the stress it creates. With this new found way I have it has shown me that I wasn’t an emotional person, I didn’t cry, I didn’t let things affect me, I always have a wall, but now that wall has since crumbled and I'm left here emotionally open and it scares the hell out of me. I think about all that has happened and I truly believe that everything that has happened up to this point needed to happen so at this moment I can say out loud I’m happy. As far as the next year goes I need to take care of myself on a physical level, I’ve had some issues with my back and it's because I'm not as active as I used to be so once I become more active then it should stop the back problems. I refuse to let what happened to my father happen to me. I now know what it is that I have been missing for most of my adult life; I know what works and don’t work for me. I know who I am and all these things make me who I am… I'm sorry for what I have lost but there’s probably a reason I have lost it. For one reason or another there’s a reason it's not with me now. I'm not happy about some of it, but then if it's meant to be it’ll come back to me. I won’t dwell on it anymore. This year I am focusing on me. I have formed a wall of people around me that are there to protect me but the wall that was there between me and them is gone. It's going to be a great year! I hope it is for you!!!

“A schedule so tight that it would only work if I didn't sleep on Monday nights.” – Alan Jay Lerner

As Monday morning arrives it's the start of another week, but luckily this is a short week for me because I’m heading for vacation at the end of the week. So this is a well needed break. I’m going to work my ass off for the rest of the week, so I can actually relax while on vacation. But chances are that I’m going to still work over the break because I just don’t know how to just let it all go. I am looking forward to this trip though because where I’m is always a peaceful place, a place where it calms the craziness in my head. I will also be celebrating my birthday during this trip; I will be turning 24, where the hell did that time go? I feel like since I turned 18 these last 6 years just flew by. I have certainly grown up and changed. This past month I have begun to realize a lot about the people that are in my life. Some are old friendships beginning anew. Some are old friendships taking a different path so that takes some adjusting. But then there’s the friendships that are just strengthening but the day, every day it gets stronger and stronger. It's quite phenomenal to be a part of. So all these changes are happening and it's quite good. There are some messed up things in my life but hey, let’s face it, if I didn’t have these messed up things, it wouldn’t allow the amazing things to mean so much to me. I don’t have to name your names because you know who you are… `until next time